I love that the Hobbits of Tolkien’s world give presents on their birthdays. The idea that the birthday boy should give out presents to his friends seems fitting, a way of saying, “hey, thanks for putting up with me.”

Sadly for my friends I haven’t adopted this tradition, mostly because i am not a Hobbit. Hobbits do not exist, despite the efforts of the NZ tourism board to suggest otherwise. And perhaps, just quietly, I don’t have nearly enough money to buy nearly enough gifts to make up for *you* having to put up with *me*.

So this year, I thought to myself: “I’m going to write a reverse birthday card where i tell everyone how awesome they are and how much I love them.” So here we go. My inaugural reverse birthday card.

Dear friends, family, and random internet people.

Apparently, if my parents are to believed (fat chance), I am turning 30 years old. Shock, horror. But no, actually i don’t care. Or if anything, I’m sorta looking forward to getting carded at bars so I can knowingly smirk at the bouncer as I hand him my ID card. Then, as a surprised look dawns upon his face, I can kind of huff at him as he waves me through. Anyway.

I am truly lucky to have a group of wonderful people around me. You are all absolutely fucking wonderful. I don’t know how you manage to help me float somewhere between bat-shit insanity and boredom, but the balance appears to work. For example, it’s been quite a while since I believed I was a Teletubby. I think we can all agree that it’s an improvement.

But in my ever-diminishing wisdom, I’ve also figured out that most of us really don’t have any idea what we’re doing. The magic of it all is, even though we probably shouldn’t operate heavy machinery (let alone run businesses), we tend to figure it out when we work together.

I shouldn’t have driven,
You shouldn’t have driven,
But we got there.

It is to my infinite fortune that the people who have chosen to embark on my various life endeavors with me – and those who have helped me along the way – have unanimously been smarter, or wiser, or more experienced (or all three) than I. Thank you.

I’m also amazed that I’ve somehow convinced a very special group of incredibly fun, talented and crazy-in-a-good-way people to hang out with me from time to time. Who are you people, and how is it that you can be so awesome? Can we eat Vegemite at 4am again sometime? That hippie camp up in Mendocino, let’s do that again, and no, i don’t want to convince the old lady to put her clothes on when she’s swimming in the pool; she looks way too happy. I think she might just know the secret to the universe. Speaking of which, didn’t we find the meaning of life somewhere in the clouds above Coachella? And do any of you *actually* remember what it was?

Can we be crazy for a few more years? Have I got them in me?

They say that you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. Well, whoever chose my family for me did such a good job, I’m kind of glad i wasn’t able to get in the way and screw things up. My family is a clan of inspiring ninja warriors with hearts of gold. I am talking from my grandparents down. My uncles and aunts and adopted aunts, my cousins and adopted cousins, they’re all doing awesome things with their lives and I’m proud to be a part of the fam. But most of all, Mum, Dad and Tara. I couldn’t even describe how important you are to me, or what your love and support means for me, but i hope it’s pretty damn clear that I love you all very much.

So, here we go. 30. I’m pretty excited. Mostly because I look around me and all I see are awesome people.

If this isn’t love, it’s very close.
Can you hear the world is waking up?

Thank you.

p.s Random internet people, I haven’t forgotten you. Thank you for making lolcats. I see you 9gag and imgur and Larz Shinola, president of the internet people. You give me teh lulz on the sad days with the sad feels. Thanks.

p.p.s This is the song that has been running through my head as I was writing. It’s also the source of all the quotes.